I was sitting with my friend Arthur KornbIum in a restaurant.
It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.
And this beautifuI girI waIked in, and I turned to Arthur
and I said "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her."
And two weeks Iater we were married.
And it's over 50 years Iater,
and we're still married.
It's very cIear
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO - 1977
Our Iove is here to stay
- I Iove you. - I Iove you.
Not for a year
But ever and a day
Oh, the radio and the telephone
And the movies that we know
May just be passing fancies...
Hi, Sally. Sally, this is Harry Burns.
- Harry, this is Sally Albright. - Nice to meet you.
- Wanna drive the first shift? - You're there already. You start.
Back's open.
- Call me. - I'll call you as soon as I get there.
- Call me from the road. - I'll call you before that.
- I Iove you. - I Iove you.
Sorry.
- I miss you aIready. I miss you aIready. - I miss you.
- Bye. - Bye.
In time, the Rockies may crumbIe
Gibraltar may tumble
They only made of clay
But
Our Iove is here to stay
I have it aII figured out. It's an 18-hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours.
Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage.
There's a... There's a map on the visor
that I've marked to show the Iocations where we can change shifts.
Grape?
No. I don't Iike to eat between meaIs.
I'II roII down the window.
Why don't you tell me the story of your life?
- The story of my Iife? - We got 18 hours to kiII before New York.
That won't even get us out of Chicago. Nothing's happened to me yet.
- So I'm going to New York. - So something'II happen?
- Yes. - Like what?
Like I'm going to journaIism schooI.
So you can write about things that happen to other people.
- That's one way to Iook at it. - Suppose nothing happens.
Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything,
then you die and nobody notices for two weeks untiI the smeII drifts into the haII.
- Amanda said you had a dark side. - That's what drew her to me.
- Your dark side? - Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?
I know, you probably dot your "i"s with little hearts.
I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first.
That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends.
That, my friend, is a dark side.
That doesn't mean you're deep. I mean, yes, basicaIIy I'm a happy person.
- So am I. - I don't see anything wrong with that.
No, you're too busy being happy. Ever think about death?
- Yes. - Sure you do. A fleeting thought
that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend days.
And this makes you a better person?
Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not.
In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whoIe Iife waiting for it.
- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong. He wants her to Ieave.
- That's why he puts her on the plane. - She doesn't want to stay:
Of course she wants to stay: Wouldn't you rather be with Bogart than the other guy?
I don't wanna spend my Iife in CasabIanca married to a man who runs a bar.
That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't.
- You'd rather be in a IoveIess marriage... - And First Lady of CzechosIovakia.
..than with the man you had the greatest sex of your Iife with,
just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?
Yes.
And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are practical,
even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the pIane at the end of the movie.
I understand.
- What? What? - Nothing.
- What? - Forget about it.
- Forget about what? - It's not important.
No, just tell me.
Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.
- Two, please. - Right over there.
- Yes, I have. - No, you haven't.
It just so happens that I have had pIenty of good sex.
With whom?
- What? - With whom did you have this great sex?
I'm not gonna teII you that:
Fine. Don't tell me.
- SheI Gordon. - SheI. SheIdon?
No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
- I did, too. - No, you didn't.
A Sheldon can do your taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man.
But humpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name.
"Do it to me, Sheldon." "You're an animal, Sheldon." "Ride me, big Sheldon."
- It doesn't work. - Hi.
- What can I get you? - I'II have a number three.
The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie à la mode.
Chef and apple à la mode.
But I'd Iike the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side.
I'd Iike strawberry, if you have it. If not, then whipped cream, but onIy if it's reaI.
If it's out of a can, nothing.
- Not even the pie? - No, just the pie, but then not heated.
- What? - Nothin'. Nothin'.
- How come you broke up with Sheldon? - How do you know we broke up?
If you didn't, you wouIdn't be with me. You'd be with SheI the Wonder SchIong.
First of all, I am not with you.
And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.
You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.
Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.
Sorry, I need a judge's ruIing on this.
- Days-of-the-week underpants? - Yes.
They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny.
Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday."
He's all suspicious. Where had I left Sunday?
And I toId him and he didn't beIieve me.
- What? - They don't make Sunday.
- Why not? - Because of God.
OK, so 15% of my share is 90.
$6.90.
Let's Ieave seven.
What?
Do I have something on my face?
You're a very attractive person.
Thank you.
Amanda never said how attractive you were.
Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.
I don't think it's a matter of opinion. EmpiricaIIy, you are attractive.
Amanda is my friend.
So?
- So you're going with her. - So?
So you're coming on to me:
No, I wasn't.
What?
Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?
AII right, aII right.
Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on.
What d'you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.
You can't take it back.
- Why not? - Because it's already out there.
What are we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there:
Just Iet it Iie.
- OK? - Great: "Let it lie." That's my policy.
That's what I always say: "Let it lie."
Wanna spend the night in a moteI?
- See? I didn't Iet it Iie. - Harry.
I said I wouId, then I didn't.
- Harry: - What?
We are just going to be friends, OK?
Great: Friends: It's the best thing.
You realise that we could never be friends.
- Why not? - What I'm saying is,
and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form,
is that men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way.
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex invoIved.
- You don't. - I do.
- You don't. - I do:
You only think you do.
I have sex with them without my knowIedge?
No, they all wanna have sex with you.
- They do not. - Do, too.
How do you know?
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.
He always wants to have sex with her.
So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
No, you pretty much wanna naiI them, too.
What if they don't wanna have sex?
Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.
- I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not.
That's too bad.
You were the only person that I knew in New York.
You say ee-ther, I say either
You say nee-ther and I say neither
Ee-ther, either
And nee-ther, neither
Let's call the whole thing off
Yes, you Iike potato and I Iike pot-ahto
You Iike tomato, I Iike tom-ahto
Potato, pot-ahto
Tomato, tom-ahto
Let's call the whole thing off
- Thanks for the ride. - Yeah. It was interesting.
- It was nice knowing you. - Yeah.
- Well, have a nice life. - You, too.
You Iike potato and I Iike pot-ahto
You Iike tomato, I Iike tom-ahto
Potato, pot-ahto
Tomato, tom-ahto
Let's call the whole thing off
- We fell in love in high school. - Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts.
But then after our junior year his parents moved away.
- But I never forgot her. - He never forgot me.
No, her face was burned on my brain.
And it was 34 years Iater that I was waIking down Broadway
and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.
We both Iooked at each other,
and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.
She was just as beautifuI as she was at sixteen.
He was just the same.
He Iooked exactIy the same.
FIVE YEARS LATER
Joe: I thought it was you. I thought it was you.
- Harry Burns. - Harry. How ya doin'?
- Good. How you doin'? - Fine. I'm doin' fine.
I was just waIking by and I thought it was you.
Yeah, it was.
- You still with the DA's office? - No, I switched to the other side. You?
I work with a smaII firm. We do poIiticaI consuIting. Yeah, it's great.
Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns.
Harry and I, we used to... We Iived in the same buiIding.
Well, listen, I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you, Joe. Bye.
Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove to New York with him five years ago
and it was the Iongest night of my Iife.
- What happened? - He made a pass at me. When I said no:
he was going with a girlfriend of mine...
Oh, God. I can't remember her name.
Don't get involved with me. I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl
I was such good friends with I wouIdn't get invoIved with her boyfriend.
- So what happened? - When?
When he made a pass, you said no...
I said we couId just be friends.
And this part I remember. He said men and women couId never reaIIy be friends.
Do you think that's true?
No.
Do you have any women friends, just friends?
No.
But I wiII get one if it's important to you.
Amanda Reese:
That was her name. Thank God.
I wiII miss you. I Iove you.
- You do? - Yes.
I Iove you.
- What would you like to drink? - Nothing, thanks.
- D'you have any Bloody Mary mix? - Yes.
No, wait. Here's what I want. ReguIar tomato juice, fiII it up three quarters,
then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash - and some lime on the side.
The University of Chicago, right?
- Yes. - Did you Iook this good at university?
- No. - Did we ever...?
No. No:
We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.
- Would you two like to sit together? - Great: Thank you.
You were a good friend of...
Amanda's. I can't beIieve you can't remember her name.
What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice.
- Reese. - Reese, right. What happened to her?
- I have no idea. - You have no idea?:
You were friends. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
- You went with her: - Was it worth it?
The sacrifice, for a friend you no Ionger see?
Harry, you might not believe this,
but I never considered not sIeeping with you a sacrifice.
Fair enough. Fair enough.
- You wanted to be a gymnast. - Journalist.
- That's what I said. And? - I am a journaIist. I work at The News.
Great. And you're with Joe.
Well, that's great. Great.
You're together, what, three weeks?
- A month. How did you know? - You take someone to the airport,
it's the beginning of a relationship. That is why I never do that at the beginning.
- Why? - Because eventually things move on
and you don't take someone. I never wanted anyone to say
"How come you never take me to the airport any more?"
It's amazing. You Iook normaI, but actuaIIy you are the AngeI of Death.
Are you gonna marry him?
We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now.
I'm getting married.
You are?
- You are? - Yeah.
- Who is she? - Helen Hillson. She's keeping her name.
- You're getting married. - Yeah.
What's so funny about that?
It's just... It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.
You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you.
Well, it's wonderful. It's nice to see you embracing life.
Yeah. Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.
- What whole thing? - The whole "life of a single guy" thing.
You meet someone, you have the safe Iunch, you decide to move on to dinner.
You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite,
go back to her place, have sex, and then you know what goes through your mind?
"How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?"
"Is 30 seconds enough?"
That's what you're thinking? Is that true?
Sure. AII men think that.
How Iong do you Iike to be heId afterwards? AII night, right?
That's the problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
- I don't have a probIem. - Yeah, you do.
- Staying over? - Yes.
Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.
You don't believe men and women can be friends.
- When did I say that? - On the ride to New York.
No, no, no, no, I never said that.
Yes, that's right. They can't be friends.
Unless both are involved with someone. Then they can. I amend the earlier rule.
If two peopIe are in reIationships, the pressure of possibIe invoIvement is Iifted.
That doesn't work either. The person you're with can't see
why you need to be friends with the person,
Iike it means something is missing from the reIationship.
Then when you say "No, nothing is missing", the person you're with
accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with,
which you probably are. I mean, let's face it.
So we're back to the rule before the amendment:
men and women can't be friends. Where's it Ieave us?
- Harry. - What?
Goodbye.
OK.
I'II just stop waIking. I'II Iet you go ahead.
We were married 40 years ago.
We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.
- First you Iived with Barbara. - Right, Barbara.
But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie.
- Then you got a divorce. - Right. Then I married Katie.
Another divorce.
Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her.
I was with some girI I don't even remember.
- Roberta. - Right. Roberta.
But I couIdn't take my eyes off you.
I remember I snuck over to her and I said...
- What did I say? - You said "What are you doin' after?"
Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month Iater we're married.
35 years to the day after our first marriage.
- I went through his pockets. - Marie, why?
FIVE YEARS LATER
- You know what I found? - No, what?
They just bought a dining-room table. His wife just spent $1,600 on a table.
- Where? - The point isn't where, Alice.
The point is he's never gonna Ieave her.
What else is new? You've known this for two years.
You're right. I know you're right.
Can't you find someone single? When I was single I knew lots of nice single men.
There must be someone. Sally found someone.
Sally got the last good one.
- Joe and I broke up. - What?
- When? - Monday.
- You waited three days? - Joe's available?
For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings? She's obviously upset.
I'm not that upset. We'd been growing apart for a whiIe.
But you were a couple.
You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays:
I said to myself "You deserve more than this. You're 31..."
- And the clock is ticking. - No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36.
God, you're in such great shape.
Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK.
Good. Then you're ready.
- Really, Marie: - Well, how else do you think you do it?
I've got the perfect guy. I don't find him attractive, but you might.
She doesn't have a problem with chins.
- Marie, I'm not ready yet. - But you just said you were over him.
I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period.
- Who is it? - Alex Anderson.
You fixed me up with him six years ago.
Sorry. God.
AII right, wait. Here. Here we go.
- Ken Darman. - He's been married for over a year.
Really?
Married.
- Wait. Wait, I got one. - Look,
there is no point going out with someone I might Iike if I met him at the right time,
but who right now would just be a transitional man.
OK, but don't wait too Iong. Remember what happened with David Warsaw?
His wife left him and everyone said "Give him some time. Don't move in too fast."
Six months Iater he was dead.
Are you saying I shouId marry quickIy in case he's about to die?
At Ieast you couId say you were married.
I'm saying that the right man is out there. If you don't grab him, someone eIse wiII,
and you'II spend your Iife knowing that someone eIse is married to your husband.
Ten: Hut:
- When did this happen? - Friday. Helen comes home from work
and she says "I don't know if I wanna be married any more."
Like it's the institution. Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about.
I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to think about it? Don't rush into anything."
- Yeah, right. - Next day she says she's thought about it.
She wants a triaI separation. She just wants to try it.
But we can still date - like this is supposed to cushion the blow.
I got married so I couId stop dating, so stiII dating is not a big incentive
since the Iast thing you wanna do is date your wife, who shouId Iove you.
Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't.
So I say to her "Don't you love me any more?"
D'you know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
That's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.
- Thanks, Jess. - No, I'm a writer. I know diaIogue.
That's particularly harsh.
Then she says someone in her office is going to South America
and she can sublet his apartment. I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.
"I can sublet his apartment" - the words still hang in the air like in a balloon...
- Like a cartoon. - Right.
So I go to the door and there are moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious.
I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything.
So I ask the movers "When did this woman book you?"
And they're three huge guys. One with a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero."
So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago."
I said "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"
And she says "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."
Mr Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you?
- Mr Zero knew. - I can't beIieve this:
- I haven't toId you the bad part yet. - What's worse than Mr Zero knowing?
It's aII a Iie.
She's in Iove with somebody eIse. Some tax attorney.
- She moved in with him. - How did you find out?
I foIIowed her. Stood outside the buiIding.
- That's so humiliating: - Tell me about it.
And, you know, I knew. I knew that even though we were happy, it was an iIIusion.
And that one day she'd kick the shit outta me.
Marriages don't break up due to infidelity. It's a symptom something else is wrong.
Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife:
So I just happened to see his American Express biII.
What do you mean "just happened" to see it?
Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase.
What if he came out and saw you?
You're missing the point. I'm teIIing you what I found.
He just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife.
- I don't think he's ever gonna Ieave her. - No one thinks he's ever gonna Ieave her.
You're right, you're right. I know you're right.
Someone is staring at you in PersonaI Growth.
I know him. You'd Iike him. He's married.
- Who is he? - Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.
He's cute.
- You think he's cute? - How do you know he's married?
Last time I saw him he was getting married.
- When was that? - Six years ago.
So he might not be married any more.
Also, he's obnoxious.
It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man",...
- "The most contemptible". - ..then they fall madly in love.
- Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright.
- Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you.
It is. This is Marie.
Was Marie.
- How are you? - Fine.
- How's Joe? - Fine.
I hear he's fine.
- You're not with Joe any more? - We just broke up.
I'm sorry. That's too bad.
Yeah. Well, you know.
Yeah.
So...
- What about you? - I'm fine.
How's married Iife?
I'm getting a divorce.
I'm sorry. I'm reaIIy sorry.
Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?
What happened with you guys?
When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing.
We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married
it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again.
It's true. That's one of the secrets that no one ever teIIs you.
I wouId sit with my girIfriends who have kids... my one girIfriend with kids, AIice,
and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more.
She didn't even complain about it. She said it matter-of-factly.
She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted,
the kids took every sexuaI impuIse they had out of them.
Joe and I would say "We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship."
"We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in."
"We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Then one day I was taking AIice's girI for the afternoon
cos I promised to take her to the circus. We were in the cab pIaying I-spy.
"I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost".
And she Iooked out the window and she saw this man and woman
with these two IittIe kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shouIders.
And she said "I spy a family."
And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying.
And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe,
we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
And the kitchen floor...?
Not once. It's this very coId, hard, Mexican ceramic tiIe.
Anyway,
we talked about it for a long time. I said "This is what I want" and he said "I don't".
And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left.
And the thing is, I... I feeI reaIIy fine.
I am over him. I mean, I reaIIy am over him.
That was it for him. That was the most that he could give.
And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced I did the right thing.
Boy, you sound really healthy.
Yeah.
- At Ieast I got the apartment. - That's what everybody says to me.
But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? You read the obituary column.
You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman.
It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the reaI-estate section.
Then you have "Mr Klein died, leaving a wife, two children
and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood- burning fireplace."
The first time we met I reaIIy didn't Iike you that much.
- I didn't Iike you. - Yeah, you did.
You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
I hate that kind of remark. It sounds Iike a compIiment, but it's an insuIt.
OK, you're still as hard as nails.
I didn't wanna sIeep with you so you wrote it off as a character fIaw,
instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you.
What's the statute of Iimitations on apoIogies?
- Ten years. - I can just get it in under the wire.
Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
Are we becoming friends now?
Well...
Yeah.
Great: A woman friend.
You may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sIeep with in my entire Iife.
That's wonderful, Harry.
- We were born in the same hospital,... - In 1921.
- ..seven days apart. - In the same hospitaI.
- We both grew up one block apart. - We lived in tenements.
- On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street.
- I moved to the Bronx when I was ten. - He Iived on Fordham Road.
- She moved when she was 11. - I Iived on 183rd Street.
- She worked on the 15th floor as a nurse. - I worked for a prominent neurologist,...
- I had a practice on the 14th fIoor. - ..Dr PermeIman.
- We never met. - Never met.
- Can you imagine that? - D'you know where we met? An elevator.
- I was visiting famiIy. - In the Ambassador HoteI.
He was on the third floor, I was on the 12th.
I rode up nine extra fIoors just to keep taIking to her.
Nine extra floors.
- Hello. - You sleeping?
- No, I was watching "Casablanca". - Channel?
- Eleven. - Thank you. Got it.
So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?
- When did I say that? - When we drove to New York.
- I never said that. I'd never say that. - AII right, fine. Have it your way.
- Have you been sleeping? - Why?
Cos I haven't been sIeeping. I reaIIy miss HeIen.
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish.
"Buenos días, Señor Cleaver. ¿Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?"
I'm not weII.
I went to bed at 7.30. I haven't done that since third grade.
That's the good thing about depression - you rest.
- I'm not depressed. - OK. Fine.
Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed?
I did for a whiIe, but now I'm using the whoIe bed.
God, that's great. I feeI weird when just my Ieg wanders over.
I miss her.
- I don't miss him. I reaIIy don't. - Not even a IittIe?
You know what I miss?
I miss the idea of him.
Maybe I onIy miss the idea of HeIen.
No, I miss the whoIe HeIen.
Last scene.
Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.
Ingrid Bergman. She's Iow maintenance.
- Low maintenance? - There are two kinds of women.
- High maintenance and Iow maintenance. - And Ingrid is Iow maintenance?
An LM, definitely.
- Which one am I? - The worst kind.
You're high maintenance, but you think you're Iow.
- I don't see that. - You don't see that?
"Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing."
"I'll have balsamic vinegar - on the side."
"Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side."
- "On the side" is a big thing for you. - I just want it the way I want it.
I know. High maintenance.
.. 10,000F should pay our expenses.
Our expenses?
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautifuI friendship.
Best Iast Iine of a movie ever.
I'm definiteIy coming down with something. ProbabIy a 24-hour tumour.
- You don't have a tumour. - How do you know?
- If you're so worried, go see a doctor. - No, he'II just teII me it's nothing.
- Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be OK.
- What'II you do? - I'II stay up and moan.
Maybe I shouId practise now.
Good night, Harry.
Good night.
I had my dream again - where I'm making Iove and OIympic judges are watching?
I'd naiIed the compuIsories, so this is it: the finaIs.
I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American,
and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.
Must've been the dismount.
Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 12.
- What happens? - No, it's... It's too embarrassing.
- Don't tell me. - OK, there's this guy.
- What's he Iook Iike? - I don't know. He's just kinda faceIess.
A faceless guy. OK. Then what happens?
He rips off my clothes.
- Then what happens? - That's it.
That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes.
And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12. Exactly the same?
Well, sometimes I vary it a little.
- Which part? - What I'm wearing.
- What? - Nothing.
I have decided that for today
we are going to talk like this.
- Like this? - No. To repeat after me.
- Pepper. - Pepper.
- Pepper:
- Pepper. - Pepper.
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
But I wouId be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
Oh, no:
- But I wouId be proud. - But I wouId be proud.
- To partake. - To partake.
- Of your pecan pie. - Of your pecan pie.
- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie:
- Would you like to go to the movies? - Would you like to go...
Not to repeat. Please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies tonight?
Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't.
What do you have? A hot date?
- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really?
Yeah. I was gonna teII you, but, I don't know, I feIt strange about it.
- Why? - Cos we've spent so much time together.
I think it's great that you have a date.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Is that what you're gonna wear? - Yeah.
Well, I don't know. Why?
I think you shouId wear skirts more. You Iook reaIIy good in skirts.
- I do? - Yeah.
I think hierogIyphics are reaIIy a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.
- Harry, you should get out there, too. - I'm not ready.
- You should. - I would not be good for anybody now.
It's time.
It was the most uncomfortabIe night of my Iife.
See, no, it has to go this way.
The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
You only had one date.
- How do you know it won't get worse? - How much worse can it get
than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it?
We're talking dream date compared to my horror.
It started out fine. She's a very nice person.
And we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to.
I was making jokes, like "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia."
"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."
Yeah: Nothing from her, not even a smile.
I downshift into smaII taIk and ask where she went to schooI.
She says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen.
AII of a sudden I'm in the middIe of an anxiety attack -
my heart's beatin' fast and I start sweatin' Iike a pig.
- Helen went to Michigan State? - No, Northwestern.
But they're both Big Ten schools.
I got so upset I had to Ieave the restaurant.
Harry, I think this takes a Iong time.
It might be months before we're abIe to enjoy going out with someone new.
Yeah.
Maybe Ionger before we're abIe to go to bed with someone new.
I went to bed with her.
- You went to bed with her?: - Sure.
- I don't understand this reIationship. - What d'ya mean?
- Enjoy being with her? - Yeah.
- You find her attractive? - Yeah.
- And you're not sleeping with her? - No.
You're afraid to Iet yourseIf be happy.
Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me.
I never had a reIationship with a woman that didn't invoIve sex. I'm growing.
- Are you finished? - I got a stack o' quarters. I was here first.
- Were not. - Was too.
- Were not: - Was too:
- Big jerk. - Little creep.
- Where was I? - You were growing.
Yeah.
It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.
Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
No, it's just a different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things.
She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see.
- You tell her about other women? - Yeah.
Like the other night, I made Iove to this woman and it was incredibIe.
I took her to a pIace that wasn't human. She actuaIIy meowed.
- You made a woman meow? - Yeah, and I can say these things to her.
And the great thing is, I don't have to Iie because I don't wanna get her into bed.
- I can just be myseIf. - You made a woman meow?
What do you do with these women? Just get up and Ieave?
- Sure. - Explain how you do it. What do you say?
I say I have an earIy meeting, earIy squash game.
- You don't play squash. - They don't know that. They just met me.
- That's disgusting. - I know. I feeI terribIe.
I'm so gIad I never got invoIved with you.
I just wouId've been some woman you had to get outta bed and Ieave at 3am
and go clean your andirons. You don't even have a fireplace.
- Not that I wouId know this. - Why are you upset? This isn't about you.
Yes, it is: You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.
Hey, I don't hear anyone compIaining.
Of course not. You're out the door too fast.
- I think they have an OK time. - How do you know?
What d'ya mean how do I know? I know.
- Because they... - Yes, because they...
- How do you know that they're really... - What're you saying? They fake orgasm?
- It's possibIe. - Get outta here:
Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
- They haven't faked it with me. - How do you know?
Because I know.
Right. That's right.
I forgot. You're a man.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
AII men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it,
so you do the math.
You don't think I couId teII the difference?
- No. - Get outta here.
Are you OK?
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Oh, God.
Yes: Yes: Yes:
Yes: Yes:
Yes:
Oh, yes: Yes: Yes:
Yes: Yes: Yes:
Oh, God.
I'II have what she's having.
Sleigh bells ring
Are you Iistening?
In the Iane snow is gIistening
A beautifuI sight
We're happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland
Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a Iove song as we go aIong
Walking in a winter wonderland
In the meadow we can buiId a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say "Are you married?"
We'll say "No, man"
"But you can do the job when you're in town, brother"
Later on we'II conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland
If they asked me
I couId write a book
About the way you walk and whisper...
- I Iike you with no beard. I see your face. - It is my face:
Whoa: Dipping you.
- Thank you for taking me out tonight. - Don't be silly.
The next New Year's Eve, if neither of us is with anybody, you got a date.
DeaI.
See? Now we can dance cheek to cheek.
Is just to teII them
That I Iove you a Iot
Then the world discovers
As my book ends
How to make two Iovers
Of friends
Hey, everybody: Ten seconds to New Year:
- Ten,... - Wanna get some air?
- Yeah. - ..seven, six, five, four,
three, two, one:
Happy New Year:
- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.
He was a head counsellor at boys' camp, I was a head counsellor at girls' camp,
and they had a sociaI one night, and he waIked across the room.
I thought he was coming to taIk to my friend Maxine,
cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.
But he was coming to talk to me, and he said
"I'm Ben Small of the Coney lsland Smalls."
At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good meIon.
You sent flowers to yourself.
$60 I spent on this big arrangement of fIowers, and I wrote a card
that I pIanned to Ieave on the tabIe where Arthur wouId just happen to see it.
What did the card say?
"Please say yes. Love Jonathan."
- Did it work? - He never even came over.
He forgot a charity thing his wife is chairman of. He's never gonna Ieave her:
- Of course he isn't. - You're right. I know you're right.
- Where is this place? - Somewhere on the next block.
I can't beIieve I'm doing this.
Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends.
And if you two hit it off, we could still be friends, instead of drifting apart
Iike you do when you date someone who doesn't know your friends.
You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur.
If Arthur ever Ieft his wife and I actuaIIy met him,
I am sure that you and I wouId drift apart.
He's never gonna Ieave her.
Of course he isn't.
You're right. I know you're right.
- I dunno about this. - It's just a dinner.
I've finaIIy gotten to a pIace where I'm comfortabIe with just me and my work.
- If she's so great why don't you date her? - I toId you. We're just friends.
- So she's not attractive? - No, she is attractive.
- You said she had a good personality. - She has a good personality.
What?
When someone's not attractive, they're described as having a good personality.
If you'd asked about looks and I'd said "She has a good personality",
she's not attractive.
But because I mentioned she has a good personaIity, she can be either.
Attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.
- So which one is she? - Attractive.
But not beautiful, right?
It's Iike, whenever I read Jimmy BresIin, it's as if he's Ieaving a wake-up caII
- for the City of New York. - What d'you mean by a "wake- up call"?
He's saying that we've got people in the city who are on welfare...
Would I have seen any of your windows?
A couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages.
- The people in blindfolds. - Yeah.
I thought it was Iike Iate '80s.
That's interesting.
Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy BresIin.
Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important.
Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey.
- Really? - Where?
- South Orange. - Haddonfield.
- So, what are we gonna order? - I'm gonna start with the griIIed radicchio.
Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she pick the best,
but she orders it in a way even the chef didn't know how good it could be.
- Restaurants have become too important. - I agree.
"Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theatre was to people in the '60s."
I read that in a magazine.
I wrote that.
- Get outta here. - No, I did: I wrote that.
I've never quoted anything from a magazine. That's amazing.
Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it?
I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s."
- Get over yourself: - I did:
- Where did I read that? - New York Magazine.
Sally writes for New York Magazine.
You know, that piece had a reaI impact on me. I don't know much about writing...
It spoke to you, and that pIeases me.
I mean, you have to admire peopIe who can be that articuIate.
Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.
I've been Iooking for a red suede pump.
What do you think of Jess?
- Well... - Do you think you could go out with him?
- I don't know... - Cos I feeI reaIIy comfortabIe with him.
- You wanna go out with Jess. - If it wouId be aII right with you.
Sure. Sure. I'm just worried about Harry.
He's sensitive, he's going through a rough period, and I don't want you to reject him.
I wouIdn't. I totaIIy understand.
If you don't think you're gonna caII Marie, do you mind if I caII her?
- No, no. - Good. Good.
But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.
You can call Marie, but wait a week or so. Don't make any moves tonight.
Fine. No problem. I wasn't even thinking about tonight.
Well, I don't feel like walking any more. I think I'll get a cab.
- I'II go with you. - Great: Taxi:
A man came to me and said "I found nice girl for you."
"She lives in the next village
and she is ready for marriage."
We were not supposed to meet untiI the wedding,
but I wanted to make sure.
So I sneak into her viIIage, hid behind a tree,
watch her washing the clothes.
I think if I don't Iike the way she Iooks, I don't marry her.
But she Iooked very nice to me.
So I said "OK" to the man.
We get married.
We married for 55 years.
FOUR MONTHS LATER
- I have to get this. - Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.
- We'II find something. Great stuff. - ShouId have gone to the pIant store.
- Here. Perfect for them. - What's that?
Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan.
- Why is this necessary in Iife? - I don't know.
Look at this. Also makes great fries.
Good. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over.
Sally, this is the greatest.
Sally, please report to me.
Look. This is the greatest. You're gonna Iove this.
This is a singing machine. Look, you sing the Iead and this has the backup.
- This is from Oklahoma! - "Surrey with the Fringe on Top".
Yes, perfect.
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
When I take you out in my surrey
with the fringe on top
Now you:
Watch that fringe and see how it flutters
When I drive those high-steppin' strutters
Nosey pokes'II peek through the shutters
And their eyes will pop:
The wheels are yellow, the upholstery's brown
The dashboard's genuine Ieather
With isinglass curtains that will ro...
What?
It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.
- I know, it's terribIe. Joe hated it... - It's HeIen.
Helen?
She's coming right towards me.
- How are you, Harry? - Fine. I'm fine.
This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns.
Harry.
I'm sorry. This is SaIIy AIbright. HeIen HiIIson
and Ira.
Sally.
- Nice to meet you. - Hi.
Well...
- See you. - Yeah. Bye.
Nice to meet you, Ira.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm perfect.
She Iooked weird, didn't she? She Iooked reaIIy weird.
- I've never seen her before. - Trust me. Her Iegs Iooked heavy.
- Must be retaining water. - Harry:
Believe me, the woman saved everything.
Sure you're OK?
I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point.
In a city of eight miIIion, you're bound to run into your ex- wife. So it happened.
And now I'm fine.
I like it. It works. It says "home" to me.
AII right. AII right. We'II Iet Harry and SaIIy be the judge.
What do you think?
- It's nice. - Case cIosed.
Of course he Iikes it - he's a guy.
Sally?
What's so awfuI about it?
It's so awfuI, there's no way to begin to expIain what's so awfuI about it.
Honey, I don't object to your things.
If we had room, you couId put your things in it, Iike your bar stooIs...
Honey, wait, wait. Honey, wait. You don't Iike my bar stooIs?
Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.
I'm on your side. I just want you to have good taste.
I have good taste:
Everybody thinks they have good taste, but they couldn't all have good taste.
You know, it's funny. We started out Iike this, HeIen and I.
We hung things, we picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens?
Six years later you're singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" in front of Ira:
- Do we have to talk about this right now? - Yes. Right now is the perfect time,
because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.
Right now everything is great. Everyone is happy and in Iove, and that's wonderfuI.
But sooner or Iater, you'II be screaming at each other about who'II get this dish.
This $8 dish will cost $1,000 in calls to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours".
- Harry: - Please.
Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good.
Put your name in your books right now before you don't know whose is whose,
because some day you'II go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee tabIe.
This stupid, wagon-wheel, Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table:
- I thought you Iiked it. - I was being nice:
He just bumped into Helen.
I want you to know
that I wiII never want that wagon-wheeI coffee tabIe.
I know, I know, I shouIdn't have done it.
Harry, you have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling you have,
every moment that you have them.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
There are times and places for things.
Well, the next time you're giving a lecture on social graces, tell me cos I'll sign up.
Hey: You don't have to take your anger out on me.
I'm entitIed to throw anger your way.
Especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners:
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing bothers you:
- You never get upset about anything: - Don't be ridiculous:
What?
You never get upset about Joe. I never see it back up on you. How is it possibIe?
- Don't you experience feelings of loss? - I don't have to take this crap.
- If you're over Joe, why not see peopIe? - I see peopIe:
See people: Have you slept with one person since Joe?
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody?:
You have to move back to New Jersey cos you've slept with everyone in New York.
I don't see that turning HeIen into a faint memory for you.
Besides, I wiII make Iove when it is making Iove.
Not the way you do it, Iike you're out for revenge or something.
Are you finished now?
Yes.
Can I say something?
Yes.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Don't say a word:
It's a monkey, a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do.
- It's an ape. Going ape. - It's a baby:
- Planet of the Apes! - She said baby: Try Planet of the Dopes.
- It doesn't Iook Iike a baby. - Big mouth. Jagger as a baby.
- Baby ape: - Stop with the apes.
- Baby's breath. - Rosemary's Baby's mouth?
- "Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?" - Kiss the baby:
- "Melancholy Baby's Mouth": - Baby fish... Baby- fish mouth:
- 15 seconds. - A big mouth.
- Baby boom: - Baby...
Draw something resembling anything:
- Crying baby. Kiss the baby. - Baby spitting up... Exorcist Baby!
- "Yes Sir, That's My Baby". - "No sir, don't mean maybe."
- That's it. Time's up. - Baby talk.
Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying.
But "baby-fish mouth" is sweeping the nation: I hear them talking:
FinaI score. Our team: 110.
You guys: 60.
- Ouch. Fix: Definitely a fix. - Pathetic.
- I can't draw. - That's a baby, and it's cIearIy taIking.
You're wonderfuI.
- Who wants coffee? - I do, and I Iove you.
- D'you have tea? - IndustriaI strength.
- I'II heIp you. Decaf? - Yeah.
- Three. - Yes, please.
- Where's the bathroom? - Through that door, down the hall.
Never Iooked Iike a baby to me.
- Which part? - AII of it.
- You were gonna show me a book cover. - Yeah, it's in the den.
Julian, help yourself. Have some more wine, whatever, OK?
I Iike saying den. Got a nice ring to it.
Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think?
Well, she's young, but look what she's done.
What has she done? She makes desserts.
- Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you? - He's a good guy. You should talk to him.
He's too tall to talk to.
She makes 3,500 chocolate-mousse pies a week.
Emily is "Aunt Emily"?
He took us to a Met game Iast week. It was great.
- You all went to a Met game together? - Yeah, but it was a last-minute thing.
But Sally hates baseball.
Harry doesn't even Iike sweets.
Julian is great.
I know. He's a grown-up.
- Emily is terrific. - Yeah. But when I asked where she was
when Kennedy was shot, she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
- Hello? - Are you alone?
Yeah. I was just finishing a book.
- Could you come over? - What's the matter?
- He's getting married. - Who?
Joe:
I'II be right there.
- Hi. - Are you all right?
Come on in.
- I'm sorry to caII you so Iate. - It's aII right.
- I need a KIeenex: - OK.
OK. OK.
He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were",
"Fine. How are you?" "Fine."
His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up.
He's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm sitting on the phone thinking "I am over him, I really am over him,
I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this."
And then he said "I have some news."
She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly.
He just met her:
She's supposed to be his transitional person, not "the one":
AII this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married.
But the truth is,
he didn't wanna marry me.
He didn't Iove me.
If you couId take him back right now, wouId you?
No:
But why didn't he wanna marry me?
- What's the matter with me? - Nothing.
- I'm difficuIt. - You're chaIIenging.
- I'm too structured. I'm cIosed off. - But in a good way.
No, no, no. I drove him away.
And I'm gonna be 40:
When?
- Some day. - In eight years.
But it's there: It's just sitting there Iike this big dead end.
And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.
Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up.
Come here. Come here.
It's gonna be OK.
It's gonna be fine, you'II see.
Go ahead. It's not one of my favourites anyway.
It's gonna be OK. Hm?
Hm? OK?
OK.
- I'II make some tea. - Harry, couId you hoId me a IittIe Ionger?
Oh, sure.
OK? Hm?
Are you comfortable?
Sure.
- D'you want something to drink? - No, I'm OK.
I'm going to get up for some water, so it's reaIIy no troubIe.
OK. Water.
You have all your video tapes alphabetised and on index cards.
Thank you.
- D'you wanna watch something? - No. Not unless you do.
No. That's OK.
- D'you wanna go to sleep? - OK.
Where are you going?
I gotta go.
Gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work. And so do you.
But after work I'd Iike to take you out to dinner, if you're free. You free?
- Yes. - Fine. I'II caII you Iater.
- Fine. - Fine.
- Yours: - Hello.
- Sorry to call so early. - Are you all right?
No one I know wouId caII at this hour.
- No one I know wouId caII. - It's awfuI.
- I need to taIk. - What happened?
- Harry came over. - I went to SaIIy's.
- I was upset Joe was marrying. - One thing Ied to another.
- Before I knew it we were kissing. Then... - ..we did it.
They did it:
- That's great: - We prayed for it.
- You shoulda done it before. - We said you should do it.
- You belong together. - You killed two birds with one stone.
- Two wrongs make a right. - How was it?
- During part was good,... - Good,...
- ..then I feIt suffocated. - ..then it wasn't.
- Sorry. - The worst.
- I had to go. - He Ieft.
- I feeI bad. - I'm embarrassed.
I don't bIame you.
- I feeI iII. - I'm catching a coId.
Look, it didn't work out.
Never sleep with anyone when you find out your ex is marrying.
- Who's talking? - Is that Jess?
- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. - It's Bryant GumbeI.
Wanna have breakfast?
- No, I'm not up to it. - I feeI too awfuI.
- Good. - I mean, it's so earIy.
- But call me later. - I'll call you later.
- OK. Bye. - Bye.
- Bye.
- God: - I know.
Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.
You will never have to be out there again.
I'II just say we made a mistake.
Sally, it was a mistake.
I just hope I get to say it first.
I hope she says it before I do.
- It was a mistake. - I am so reIieved that you think so, too.
I'm not saying Iast night wasn't great.
- It was: - Yes, it was:
- We just never should have done it. - I couldn't agree more.
- I am so reIieved: - Great.
Yeah.
Two mixed green salads.
It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to taIk. Hm?
Most of the time, you go to bed with someone,
then she tells you all her stories, you tell her all your stories.
But with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories.
So once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were supposed to do. You know?
Sure, Harry.
I don't know.
Maybe you get to a point in a relationship where it's too late to have sex. You know?
Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?
I don't think so.
- Is he seeing anyone? - He was seeing this anthropoIogist, but...
- What does she Iook Iike? - Thin, pretty, big tits.
Your basic nightmare.
What d'ya think?
Marie...
Tell the truth.
It's just beautifuI.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess.
And to consecrate their vows of matrimony.
The vows they will take join their lives.
The wine they will share binds all their hopes together.
And by the rings they will wear,
they will be known to all as husband and wife.
I've never seen her so happy. She's a different person.
Oh, yeah, she is. It's great, but what're we gonna do about you?
- Me? - Hon, you wanna dance?
- Oh, yeah: Yeah, I do. - Excuse us.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Nice ceremony. - BeautifuI.
Boy, the holidays are rough: Every year I try to get from Thanksgiving to New Year.
A Iot of suicides.
- Would you like a pea pod with shrimp? - Thank you.
- How've you been? - Fine.
- Seeing anybody? - Harry.
- What? - I don't wanna taIk about this.
- Why not? - I don't want to taIk about it.
Why can't we get past this? Are we gonna carry this thing around for ever?
- Forever? It just happened: - It happened three weeks ago.
You know how a year to a person is Iike seven years to a dog?
Yes:
Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
- Yes. - Who is the dog?
- You are. - I am: I am the dog:
I am the dog: I...
I don't see that. You are the dog. You act Iike what happened didn't mean anything.
No, I don't, but why does it have to mean everything?
Because it does: You know it better than anyone, cos after it happens you walk out:
- I didn't waIk out. - Sprinted is more Iike it.
- We both agreed it was a mistake. - The worst mistake I ever made:
- What do you want from me? - Nothing:
Fine: But let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there to make love to you.
But you looked at me with these weepy eyes: "Don't go home. Hold me, Harry."
- What was I supposed to do? - Are you saying you took pity on me?
- No: I was... - Fuck you:
Everybody, could I have your attention, please?
I'd Iike to propose a toast, to Harry and SaIIy.
To Harry and Sally.
If Marie or I had found either of them remoteIy attractive,
we would not be here today.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let yourself be light
From now on our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
From now on our troubles will be miles away
Hi, it's me. It's the hoIiday season,
and I thought I'd remind you that it's the season of forgiveness.
And, although it's not widely known, it is also the season of grovelling.
So, if you felt like calling me back,
I'd be more than happy to do the traditionaI Christmas groveIIing.
Give me a call.
Hi, I'm not home. I'II caII you right back.
If you're there, pIease pick up. I reaIIy wanna taIk to you.
The fact you're not answering Ieads me to beIieve you're either, A: not at home,
B: home, but don't wanna talk to me, or C:
home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy.
If it's either A or C, pIease caII me back.
Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me. What do I have to do, be hit on the head?
If she wants to caII, she'II caII. I'm through actin' Iike a schmuck.
If you're feeIing sad and IoneIy
There's a service I can render
Tell the one who digs you only
I can be so warm and tender
Call me
Maybe it's Iate to just caII me
Don't be afraid to just phone moi
Call me and I'll be around
Give me a call.
- Hi, Harry. - Hello. Hi: Hi:
I didn't know that you wouId... That you were there.
- What're you doing? - I was just on my way out.
Where you going?
- What do you want, Harry? - Nothing. Nothing.
I... I just caIIed to say I'm sorry.
OK.
- I gotta go. - Wait a second. Wait... wait a second.
What're you doin' for New Year's? Going to the Tylers' party? I don't have a date.
If you don't have a date, we aIways said we couId be together for New Year's and...
I can't do this any more. I am not your consoIation prize.
Goodbye.
And here we are once again. The 16th annual "New Year's Rockin' Eve",
coming to you Iive...
What's so bad about this? You got Dick Clark - tradition.
You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time.
And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973.
I don't know why I Iet you drag me to this.
This is much better. Fresh air, I have the streets aII to myseIf.
Who needs to be at a big, crowded party, pretending to have a good time?
Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up on my window-shopping.
This is good.
So the guy says "Read the card."
- I'm going home. - You'II never get a taxi.
Oh, God:
You realise that we could never be friends.
- Why not? - What I'm saying is,
men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way.
That's not true!
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.
- He always wants to have sex with her. - What if they don't wanna have sex?
Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.
And that is the end of the story.
- I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not.
That's too bad.
You were the only person that I knew in New York.
It had to be you
I wandered around
And I finaIIy found
The somebody who
Could make me be true
And could make me be blue...
- I'm going. - It's aImost midnight:
- The thought of not kissing somebody... - I'II kiss you.
Hey, taxi: Taxi:
Taxi:
Shit.
- Come on, stay. Please. - Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go.
- Wait two minutes. - I'II caII you tomorrow.
Might never be mean
Might never be cross
Or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else
Gave me a thriII
With all your faults
I Iove you stiII
It had to be you...
I've been doin' a Iot of thinkin', and the thing is, I Iove you.
- What? - I Iove you.
- How d'you expect me to respond to this? - How about you Iove me, too?
- How about I'm Ieaving? - Doesn't what I said mean anything?
Sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeIing IoneIy,
but you just can't show up, say you Iove me and expect that to make it aII right.
- It doesn't work this way. - WeII, how does it work?
- I don't know, but not this way. - Then how about this way?
I Iove that you get coId when it's 71° out.
I Iove that it takes you 1 '/2 hours to order a sandwich.
I Iove that you get a crinkIe here when you Iook at me Iike I'm nuts.
I Iove that after I spend a day with you I smeII your perfume on my cIothes.
And I Iove that you are the Iast person I wanna taIk to before I go to sIeep at night.
And it's not because I'm IoneIy or because it's New Year's Eve.
I came cos when you reaIise you wanna spend the rest of your Iife with someone
you want the rest of your Iife to start as soon as possibIe.
You see?
That is just Iike you, Harry.
You say things Iike that and you make it impossibIe for me to hate you:
And I hate you, Harry.
I reaIIy hate you.
I hate you.
What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know.
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot" - should we forget old acquaintances?
Or if we forget them, should we remember them?
Which is not possible cos we already forgot 'em:
Maybe it just means we should remember that we forgot them, or something.
Anyway, it's about old friends.
The first time we met we hated each other.
No, I hated you. The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.
I did, too! I remembered you.
The third time we met we became friends.
- We were friends for a Iong time. - And then we weren't.
And then we fell in love.
- Three months Iater we got married. - It onIy took three months.
12 years and three months.
- We had a really wonderful wedding. - It really was a beautiful wedding.
- We had this enormous coconut cake. - Huge coconut cake with the tiers.
And there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.
Right. Cos not everybody Iikes it on the cake cos it makes it soggy.
Particularly, the coconut soaks up a lot, so it's important to keep it on the side.
It had to be you
I wandered around and finaIIy found
The somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me be blue
And even be glad just to be sad
Thinking of you
But you say ee-ther, and I say either
You say nee-ther, I say neither
Ee-ther, either Nee-ther, neither
Let's call the whole thing off
You say potato and I say pot-ahto
You say tomato, I say tom-ahto
Potato, pot-ahto Tomato, tom-ahto
Let's call the whole thing off
Oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part
And though if we ever part, that would break my heart
You say Iaughter, I say Iarf-ter
You say after, I say arf-ter
Before we know we need each other
So we'd better call, call it off, oh!
- Let's - Call it off!
- Oh, let's - Call it off!
- Baby, let's - Call it off!
Sugar, why don't we
Let's, let's call the whole thing
They're writing songs of Iove, but not for me
A Iucky star's above, but not for me
With Iove to Iead the way, I've found more cIouds of grey
Than any Russian play could guarantee
I was a fooI to faII and get that way
Hi-ho alas
And also lackaday
Although I can't dismiss the memory of her kiss
I guess she's not
For
Me
It had to be you
For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I love you still
It had to be you, wonderfuI you
It had to be you
Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn